BOULDER, CO—Saying that the disease’s sudden onset had completely upended his life, local man Jared Houk spoke to reporters Tuesday about the rare disorder that was causing his immune system to attack Portugal. “I was a completely healthy 30-year-old man until one day my body freaked out and started identifying the Portuguese as invaders,” said Houk, adding that he experienced near constant fatigue from his immune system’s relentless assault against Portugal’s capital city of Lisbon. “My T cells have mistakenly identified everything from Madeira wine to the Belém Tower as pathogens, and I’m pretty much always running a low-grade fever while my body tries to raise its temperature to burn the Azores to the ground. It sucks. Instead of targeting viruses and bacteria, my body’s defense system is attacking a healthy, functional democracy. I used to be an avid hiker, and now I’m in bed all day with a flare-up if I catch so much as a whiff of caldo verde. The doctors put me on immunosuppressants to try to preserve the function of the Portuguese economy as long as possible, but I’m praying for them to develop some kind of cure to permanently reprogram my antibodies so they no longer see Portuguese President António José Seguro as a threat.” Reached for a follow-up interview, Houk reported that his condition had taken a turn for the worse after Portugal began attacking him back.

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