CHICAGO—Granting the public permission to disregard the organization’s previous recommendations, American Medical Association officials announced this week that huge biceps were now the only thing that mattered for health. “Rather than worrying about eating a balanced diet or maintaining an active lifestyle, our advice is to spend as much time as possible in the gym…
PLAISTOW, NH—Blaming their friend’s personalized internet feed for his warped perception of the film’s impact, sources confirmed Wednesday that the algorithm presented to local man Todd Bennett had been distorting how important he thinks Gummo is to the rest of the world. “No matter which social media site he’s on, he’s being pushed Gummo content…
ST. LOUIS—Kicking himself for missing out on a potentially lucrative financial opportunity, local man Keith Towers reportedly realized this week that he might have become rich if he had invested in rice 7,000 years ago. “Damn, I wish I’d had the foresight to put some money down on rice back in 5000 B.C., because I’d…
The post Dr. DooDiddle appeared first on The Onion.
A 74-year-old hunter was arrested on felony manslaughter charges after fatally shooting a woman whom he mistook for a deer. What do you think? “Many hunters are naturalists who hold great respect for the women they kill.” Spencer Dunn, Whirlpool Technician “That’s why I always make sure to get hunting licenses for both.” Zane Larson,…
The post USDA Replaces Food Stamps With One Giant Rutabaga appeared first on The Onion.
Click here to go see the bonus panel! Hovertext:The witch from Hansel and Gretel sells magic crystals. Today’s News:
Is getting paid to do nothing a dream job or a career nightmare? Have you ever been in a job where you actually had nothing to do? How would you react? Is it a dream or a complete nightmare? These same questions are being asked by an employee who was recently fake-promoted. Yes, you read…
Should ordering in for the office come with some perks? Lunch is the highlight of the workday for many, so it is important to put some effort into it now and then. When you are behind on several deadlines and your manager is getting on your nerves, it is nice to have the sweet embrace…
This Texas tenant awoke one morning to find their car missing from their assigned spot. They assumed it had been stolen but were able to put the pieces together and figure out that it had been towed by the predatory towing company that patrols their building’s lot. The towing company claimed their pass had been…